


Caught In Your Undertow

by MoonwalkingCrab



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Enthusiastic Consent, M/M, Massively Requited Feelings, Porn with Feelings, Riding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:49:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26956120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonwalkingCrab/pseuds/MoonwalkingCrab
Summary: It is late on the Lucidian Ocean and Caleb's mind is restless. There is so much that needs to be done, so many plans to make, he doesn't have time to dwell on anything else, least of all his feelings.Of course this is when Essek chooses to visit.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 88
Kudos: 467





	Caught In Your Undertow

**Author's Note:**

> So I started writing this just after the peace talks and then completely lost track of my life. Then Liam O'Brien on Talks happened and I reworked the whole thing...it turned out pretty long 😅. Please enjoy!
> 
> Set in a vague alternate timeline after episode 107, I guess.

The night closes in quickly over the Lucidian Ocean, the velvet black of the sky dotted with stars, the sparkle of the ocean reflecting them back in glimmers of silver that dance across the timbers of the ship. It is warm, and the faint breeze brings with it a scent of wet earth and vegetation, the telltale sign of the jungles that line the distant shore.

Caleb leans out, his arms resting on the smooth wooden railing, his mind adrift somewhere in the ocean before him. The night is silent, unlike his thoughts, and Caleb breathes out a sigh, knowing that he really should be sleeping.

Something crawls in his chest, however, something creeping and insidious, a worming sense of deep discontent within him. He is torn, caught between his own thoughts for future plans, and what is best for the group. There is so much he wants to do, so much he wants to fix, so many desires that he is still reluctant to put voice to. His friend’s words echo endlessly in his ears; talk of retribution, of punishment, of so much that Caleb knows he himself deserves. Yet the vitriol with which they speak only serves to make his stomach turn. 

His own words, in turn, flicker through his musings, easing the nausea somewhat. 

_Let yourself have a little happiness_

If only it were that simple. 

“It is a nice night, isn’t it?”

The voice behind Caleb should startle him, but it doesn’t. Instead he feels a welcome warmth settle in his chest, soothing over the worries that have been keeping him in place. The breeze blows at his hair, teasing it from its tie to fall over his forehead. Caleb doesn’t turn, simply leans further over the rail, watching the endless shift of the waves, breathing in and out with the swell, steady and soothing.

“It is.”

There is a very light sound, of boots hitting wood, and a whispering shift of robes.

“Caleb, I—”

“Why are you here, Essek?” 

Caleb doesn’t turn, not yet, though he aches to. The steady pound of his heart is speeding at the mere sound of Essek’s voice. His stomach is twisting, caught between both the joy and the dread of having him present. His emotions are so muddled right now, and Caleb cannot silence his mind enough to sort through them. In the corner of his eye there is a shift of shadow and moonlight-silver as Essek steps up to rest his own hands on the smooth wooden railing.

“I wanted—” A deep sigh, and a shake of a head in Caleb’s periphery. “I thought that—” Another shake and a small groan of frustration. Essek places his face in his palm and draws in what sounds like a shaking breath. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

Caleb shakes his own head, a flare of anger bubbling up inside him and he turns to face Essek, finally. “The truth, Essek? Maybe tell me that instead of fumbling for an excuse. You cannot just show up on our ship—our _new_ ship—in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of the night, unannounced. ” He holds his arms over his chest: a useless barrier, but one that he feels better for having.

He can see a momentary flare of hurt in Essek’s pale eyes, and presses his lips tight together, not letting himself feel any remorse for the discomfort it brings him. “You want to regain our trust, _my_ trust? Then start with the truth.”

Essek’s ears seem to droop, his gaze falling to his feet—planted firmly on the deck—and the faintest bloom of purple rises across his cheeks.

"I noticed I could see you when I scried…I was concerned." His fingers twist in the hem of his cloak. "I wanted to check on you, on all of you, and thought it best to do that in person." He doesn't meet Caleb's eyes, words continuing to spill from his lips when all he is met with is silence. "I needed to get out of Rosohna, and this was the only place I could think to go where I might possibly be wanted." Essek sighs, the point of one tooth slipping free to scrape over his lower lip, making him look oddly vulnerable. “I, um...I don’t feel safe anywhere else.”

Essek’s voice is soft, barely audible over the sigh of timbers and the gentle breath of wind in the sails. It is enough to make Caleb’s heart clench. He fingers beneath his clothes, brushing his bare chest where his amulet once rested, feeling a flutter of familiar fear. Of course Essek says the one thing that douses his anger, bringing him back around to the knowledge that they are so, so, similar.

Caleb sighs, the burn of anger fading fast, rapidly melting into the fondness that he is far too well-acquainted with. Try as he might, it feels as if he cannot escape the connection that runs between Essek and himself. Disappointment and betrayal have frayed that thread, but there is no denying that Caleb is still wrapped tightly in its grasp. 

He cannot turn Essek away now.

“We are turning in for the night,” Caleb says, wishing that the fear he can see in Essek’s eyes didn’t make his heart ache as much as it does. “Though you are welcome to stay here if you wish.”

Essek seems surprised at the offer, his ears twitching up briefly. “Really? You don’t need to discuss it with your friends first?”

Caleb knows he should. He cannot be offering their ship as a refuge to just anyone. 

But that is the problem; this isn’t just anyone. 

This is Essek.

Sure, he could go down below deck and check in with the group, but he can already predict what they would say: Jester and Caduceus would support him, Beau and Veth would argue, Fjord and Yasha he is less sure on, but he has seen the look of concern in Yasha’s eyes the last time Veth’s thoughts turned to vengeance. She, at least, seems to share Caleb’s thoughts.

If there is no redemption for Essek, is there any for themselves?

Caleb takes another deep breath, feeling his brow crease as Veth’s words of vitriol the last time Essek was mentioned cross his mind once more.

“I don’t want to bother them with this right now." He feels his lip twitch in the ghost of a smile. "Besides, I'm not sure how pleased they will be if they know you have been scrying on us."

Essek's fingers appear to tighten, the skin over his knuckles lightening for an instant where he grips at the ship's rail. His shoulders slump, another sad sigh leaving lips that Caleb—try as he might—cannot drag his gaze from. 

"I understand, it will be easier for you all if I leave. My apologies, Caleb." He turns on his heel, stopping short when Caleb reaches out, catching him by the wrist. 

"I did not say that," Caleb says. "I know we are all a little conflicted right now, but we won't turn away a friend."

To Caleb's surprise, Essek's ears twitch, perking up just a little. "You would still consider me a friend?" 

"I would." 

Essek smiles, a slow, soft thing, creeping like a shadow across his lips. "I do not deserve it." 

Caleb's hand is still around Essek's wrist, the delicate bones fragile in his grasp, the thrum of his pulse a steady beat beneath Caleb's thumb. "Maybe so." Caleb pulls his hand back, trying to suppress the shiver that runs through him as his fingers brush over Essek's own. "It will take a lot to regain our trust, you know this." 

Essek nods, his gaze fixed firmly on Caleb's hands. "I know."

Caleb swallows, pushing his hair behind one ear, noting the way Essek's eyes follow the motion, glimmering in the wave-tossed moonlight. "Will you be staying a while, or just for the night?” 

"I thought to rest here for the night, if I may," Essek says, the faint breeze toying his hair from its usual coiffed perfection, soft waves falling loose over his forehead. "Maybe in the morning I can update you all on the state of things in the Dynasty?" 

Caleb feels a tightening in his stomach, worry blooming through him. "Is there trouble?" he asks, taking the smallest step closer to Essek—as if that will in some way protect him from the consequences of his own actions. 

Essek shakes his head. "Nothing as much as that," he presses his fingertips together, twisting them around each other, "but there are murmurs, rumours. I can feel a certain level of scrutiny on myself. More than there was before." 

"Well," Caleb's lip scrunches up in a smile that feels more like a grimace, "I mean, you _do_ have many things to hide." 

"I know." Essek's ears seem to droop slightly, and it is only in this moment that Caleb realises how much their movement belies the emotions that Essek so often seems to keep under wraps. "I am aware that I deserve this."

Caleb gives a slight shake of his head. "You will find a way to atone for your mistakes." He sighs. "We all will." He runs his fingers up his own arm, feeling the shape of the scars beneath his sleeves. "In the meantime, you deserve to rest somewhere safe." He gestures to the steps leading below deck. "The cabins are small, but there are many. You won't be disturbed." 

Essek's footsteps falter as he follows, his voice a low murmur almost swallowed by the waves outside. "I don't know how to thank you." 

Glancing over his shoulder, Caleb chances a smile. "Then don't." He pauses, swallowing. "I am just glad to know you are safe." There is a fluttering in his chest that only intensifies when Essek's ears twitch once more, his dark cheeks flushing near purple. He takes a step closer and Caleb turns away, panic flaring through him in a burst, not knowing what will happen if the distance between them is crossed. He clears his throat, searching for something to say. 

"I, ah, I will be setting an alarm spell at the end of this hallway for the night," Caleb says, pointing to where his friends have chosen their cabins, clustered together in the heart of the ship, "so I would suggest one of these rooms here."

"Where will _you_ be sleeping?" 

Essek's question seems to take them both off guard, his eyes immediately widening, panic written all over his face. "I mean— I…"

"No, no it's—" 

"Essek?" 

A low voice has them both starting, and they turn to see Caduceus wearing a sleepily puzzled smile. He nods to Essek, one eyebrow raised high. "Late night for a visit."

"Oh, I—"

Caleb waves a hand, placing himself slightly in front of Essek, that same feeling of protectiveness rising once more in his gut. "Essek just arrived to give us news from the Dynasty. Since it was late, I asked him to stay and we can all catch up in the morning." There is heat prickling on the back of Caleb's neck, and the gleam in Caduceus' eyes tells him that he knows Caleb is hiding something.

Caduceus simply nods, though, the whisper of a smile ghosting across his face. "Well that's nice. I'll make sure to cook extra at breakfast." He meanders towards his cabin, looking back only once, meeting Caleb’s eyes with something that could almost be called a smirk. 

"Sleep well."

Caleb can feel his ears burning and wonders just how flushed he must be. He glances towards Essek, once more feeling his insides swoop when their eyes meet. 

"Um, well, I guess one of them knows you're here now," Caleb says with a faint shrug. 

Essek smiles, more to himself than to Caleb. "He didn't seem to mind, that is a relief." He raises a hand, brushing back the waves of his hair, a motion which makes Caleb's breath catch in his throat, the image of his own fingers running through those silver-white strands coming unbidden to his mind. 

"So, um," Caleb rubs at his wrists, needing to do _something_ with the restless energy that runs through him, "the bathroom is at the end of the hall, and, um, that one— that one there is my room." He nods towards his chosen cabin, not daring to look at Essek's face. He certainly isn't suggesting anything, simply answering Essek's previous question. 

"I see." Essek's voice is careful, measured, a trace of the Shadowhand facade falling into place. "Then would it bother you if I took this room here?" He places his hand on the door of the next cabin. "I would prefer to be close by," he swallows, "...in case of trouble."

"Y-yes, of course, that is a good idea." Caleb nods, wondering exactly when it got so warm below deck. His scarf feels too tight, the many layers of his clothes weighing him down and making him sweat. "Keep all the firepower in one place, _ja_?" 

Essek's lip twitches up, the gleaming point of one tooth just visible. "Aha, yes, my thoughts exactly." He presses his fingertips together, glancing towards Caleb, seeming to waver on the verge of saying more. 

"So, um…"

The silence between them stretches, Essek shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, Caleb not daring to meet his gaze. 

Caleb can feel a pressure inside him, building with every shared glance, a restlessness that makes his fingers itch and his skin prickle. He wets his lips, searching for something more to say. 

Essek's eyes widen at the motion and he fumbles for the door handle to his cabin. "Well, ah, goodnight then, Caleb." He turns, slipping into the room, the faintest flush visible on the tips of his ears.

"Oh, yes. Goodnight, Essek."

The door is already shut. 

Caleb sags, his breath leaving him in a rush, his chest heavy with an ache that is only faintly familiar. He paces the hallway, once, twice, toying with his silver thread as he sets the alarm spell. 

"What are you doing, Widogast?" Caleb murmurs, silver twisting around his fingers. "This is not the time or the place." He keeps his voice low, just in case. "We have so much still to do, you can fret over your feelings later." He sighs, glancing towards Essek's door the moment he finishes weaving his spell. 

"He is a criminal and a pawn of the Cerberus Assembly," Caleb whispers to himself, shaking his head, "nothing good can come from sheltering him." Rubbing at his forehead, he paces back to his room, already knowing there is no way to convince himself of his own words. The threads that bind he and Essek are already too inextricably woven—an intricate web that runs dangerously close to tangling. Closing the cabin door he snaps Frumpkin into existence, quickly undressing for bed and flopping onto the thin mattress, the rumbling sound of purrs filling his ears. 

"It is going to be a long night," Caleb says, smiling when Frumpkin butts his head against one cheek. "We really should try to sleep."

Frumpkin _prrps_ in response, kneading his paws into Caleb’s arm, claws pricking faintly at his skin. He raises his chin, which Caleb dutifully scritches, letting himself relax into soft fur, the stir of magic a welcome undercurrent beneath his fingertips. 

Caleb's mind begins to wander, thoughts he hasn't allowed himself to think creeping in around the edges. 

What if Essek _were_ to join them, travel with them? Much as he thinks Essek won't admit it, the Cerberus Assembly has used him: promising the knowledge his own nation will not permit him to study and then delivering nothing. Surely, there would be some part of him that would want to help take them down? 

A curl of desire coils in the pit of Caleb’s stomach at the thought of how good it would feel to weed out the corruption that festers in the heart of all magical learning in the Empire. 

Caleb runs his fingers over his scars, the heaviness in his chest lightening at the thought of making a difference, of making things better. And to do so with Essek by his side would make victory all the sweeter. 

Caleb's thoughts go a step further: what if they could redefine magical learning, he and Essek together? Be it Dunamancy or any other school of magic, Caleb wants it all. For Essek to research the beacons without judgement, for Caleb to explore those mysteries alongside him. To be able to create spells and work together, maybe even show others, to teach. They could take students from all over; Empire, Dynasty, Menagerie Coast, Marquet, Tal'dorei, they could show a new generation of magic users a way of learning without pain or fear or ostracism.

And maybe then, in private…

Caleb stops himself, clenching his fists tight and earning a glare from Frumpkin, who swats at his hand, his fur sticking up in spikes where Caleb has unintentionally grabbed him. “I’m sorry,” Caleb mumbles. He sits up, holding Frumpkin to his face to stare into fey-yellow eyes. "Maybe trying to sleep is not the best idea, my mind is getting away from me."

“Mrow.”

“You’re right.”

With a groan, Caleb rises to his feet, Frumpkin clambering onto one shoulder to rub against his hair. He reaches for his books, settling down at a rickety table—the only other piece of furniture in the room. 

Dancing Lights flare into existence around Caleb's head, bathing him in a soft orange glow. He pulls paper and ink from his satchel, letting his fingers play across the heavy vellum, the texture of woven fibres across his fingertips helping to centre him. Frumpkin's weight drapes around Caleb's neck like a scarf, warm and welcome, and Caleb smiles softly, reaching up to stroke at Frumpkin's ears.

"You are a good cat, you know," Caleb says. "You can keep me from making any rash decisions tonight." He glances towards the wall that separates him from Essek and draws a deep breath, turning quickly back to his books. "We are going to sit here and study until I am too tired _not_ to sleep." He taps Frumpkin's nose with one finger. "Nothing else."

Frumpkin does not reply except to settle a little more snugly around Caleb's neck. The rumble of his purrs is a gentle vibration against Caleb's skin, a sensation to focus on as he flips through pages to make his notes. 

It is easy to fall into the familiar rhythm, the scratch of quill on paper a counterpoint to the gentle sound of the sea outside. Caleb’s lights dim and fade as the night goes on, the spell recast every time he needs it. 

Still, sleep seems to elude him.

There is a heaviness in Caleb’s chest, a warmth that flares and makes his heart speed every time his gaze wavers back towards the wall separating Essek’s cabin from his own. He can still feel that itch, that restlessness beneath his skin, and more than anything, the overwhelming desire to make sure that Essek is okay. It’s illogical, he knows this, Essek is more than powerful enough to take care of himself. However, the knowledge that despite that power, Essek feels safer around the Nein is enough to make Caleb’s stomach clench. 

Caleb is a selfish man—he knows this in his heart—and there is a large part of him that wants to know just how much he himself is a factor in Essek choosing to spend the night on their ship. Surely, Essek has scried on them before, yet it was only Caleb’s sudden visibility that brought him forth. 

That has to mean something. 

Caleb smiles to himself, the thought cheering him somewhat. It is nice to know Essek cares, even if he has a very roundabout way of showing it. He stretches, shoulders popping slightly and making him wince, the sound loud against the ship’s creaking timbers.

Frumpkin’s ears prick up, and he hops onto the table, stretching himself out, too. He yawns, accepting a pet from Caleb and mewing softly as a slightly louder creak sounds from the hallway outside.

“Oh, I’m sure that is nothing,” Caleb says, “there has been no alarm.” He picks Frumpkin up again, holding him close to his chest, enjoying the press of warmth against his heart. “I think maybe one of our friends is visiting another. Do you think maybe Beauregard has finally worked up the courage to make a move?”

Frumpkin flicks an ear and Caleb gives a soft laugh. “No, I do not think so, either. I think maybe they are just going to the bathroom.” He releases Frumpkin and returns to the table, shuffling his papers back together and carefully replacing them in his spellbook.

The knock, when it comes, is soft; and just like earlier, Caleb knows he should be surprised.

Instead, he feels only warmth, a ripple of nerves flooding his belly as he steps towards the door, steeling himself for only a moment before cracking it open.

“Essek?”

“You knew it was me?” Essek’s hair is rumpled, haphazard waves of silver-white sticking up in all directions—as if he has been running his fingers through it. His ears are unadorned of their usual finery, his fingers twisted in the hem of what looks to be his undershirt; the only thing he wears aside from simple leggings. That single tooth point once more scrapes over Essek's lower lip to draw Caleb’s eye.

Caleb swallows, dragging his gaze from Essek’s lips and clearing his throat. “Ah, well, I knew it was too quiet to be any of my friends.” He opens the door a little further, gesturing for Essek to come inside. “Is everything all right? Are you having trouble sleeping?”

“Something like that,” Essek says, his voice low and hesitant. “I am finding it hard to clear my mind and I hoped maybe to talk a little,” he glances Caleb up and down, taking a faltering step inside, “if it won’t keep you up, of course. I am aware my kind do not need the same sleep you do.”

Caleb shakes his head, butterflies rising in his stomach as he closes the door behind Essek, letting Frumpkin slip out first with a mental command to watch the hallway. 

The cabin seems so much more crowded with two people inside it, despite Essek’s small stature. He stands, looking diminished without the usual layers of his cloak and mantle. 

“Truth be told, I was still studying,” Caleb says, declining to mention that said study was only a distraction to combat his own overactive mind. “Please, tell me what is bothering you.” Caleb pulls out the chair he has just vacated, offering it to Essek.

Still worrying at his lip, Essek sits, watching as Caleb settles onto the end of the bed. His fingers continue to twist together, something which has Caleb rubbing at his own arms in sympathy; he can sense the nerves that so clearly run through Essek.

They sit in silence, the amber glow of Caleb’s Dancing Lights rising and falling with the sway of the ship. The light rebounds in Essek’s eyes, turning them the soft rose gold of an evening sunset, every rock of the boat outlining his features in a play of shadow that has Caleb’s pulse speeding. Every pale eyelash is lined in black, the sharpness of each cheekbone highlighted in gold. Essek seems to glow, a focal point in the shabby cabin, and Caleb cannot help but lean towards him, Essek mirroring his motion, almost close enough to touch.

Caleb does not know at this point if he is the moth or the flame.

He doesn’t care.

“Essek,” Caleb says, “what did you want to talk about?”

Essek’s gaze is on Caleb’s face, the emotion in his eyes casting Caleb straight back to the hold of the Ball Eater in the docks at Nicodranas; they shine with the same uncertainty.

“I meant what I said, I worried when I saw that I could scry on you. I thought maybe your— my— _our_ shared enemies might use that to their advantage.” Essek breaks all eye contact, a faint flush rising. “I couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to you. So I wanted to come check.”

Caleb smiles, warmth flooding through him. “I appreciate it.” He toys idly with a thread of the blanket beneath him. “Though, I admit, part of me thought that if it came to us or you against the Assembly, you would be out for yourself.”

Essek sighs, lowering his head. “I will admit that I thought that, too." He catches Caleb's eye, seeming to search his face for any sort of judgement. "I am a selfish creature, I know it. Yet when I realised I could see you, and that meant the Assembly could also, I knew I had to make sure you were safe.”

A small laugh bubbles up in Caleb’s chest, affection swelling inside him. 

“For someone so intelligent, you can be very stupid,” he says, seeing Essek’s head snap back up, his brows furrowing. “I have been an easy target for the Assembly since we arrived in Rexxentrum, probably before.” Caleb smiles slightly. “My friends and I are not exactly inconspicuous.” He rubs at his forearms, bare in the glowing light, scars fully on view, and sees Essek’s eyes follow the motion of his palms. “If my old master, or any of the Assembly, wished to find us, they would.” 

Caleb grimaces; he hasn’t discussed his plans with his friends yet, he hopes they will agree to help. “If I am honest, I think I will be seeing them sooner than I would like, anyway.”

Concern flickers in Essek’s eyes. “What makes you say that?”

“Because we are going to go to them.”

Essek’s eyes widen, his voice rising, “You can’t! You said yourself you know how dangerous they are. We both know this.”

“I know,” Caleb wants to reach out, to take Essek’s hand in reassurance, but there is still something that holds him back. “But if I want to get to the root of the poison that infects my homeland, then I need to know just how far the Assembly's influence goes.”

“Surely there are better ways to do this than going straight to them?” Essek says. His voice has calmed and Caleb can practically see the wheels turning within his brilliant mind, plans already forming. “I can help you. I know them. Ludinus, especially,” he says, a slight shudder running through his narrow shoulders. 

Caleb smiles, meeting Essek’s eyes and feeling another surge of affection wash over him in a wave of warmth. “I would definitely appreciate your help. Your knowledge is sure to be invaluable.” The smile falters, reality creeping in. “But as much as I dislike it, I _will_ have to face Ikithon and the rest directly at some point.”

“Then let me be with you.”

Essek reaches out, taking Caleb’s hand, his eyes widening in surprise at his own action when he glances down. He purses his lips, seeming to steel himself before repeating, “Let me help you.”

His hand covers Caleb’s own, tightening for just a moment. 

“You said you could help me make up for what I have done. I can think of no better way of regaining your trust than helping take out the ones who hurt you.” His hand slides up a little, fingers skating over the harsh scars. “That is, if you still think I have a second chance?”

"I thought I already made that clear," Caleb murmurs, reaching out to cup Essek's cheek. His breath feels caught in his throat as he leans in, bringing his lips to the same point of Essek’s forehead that he kissed not so long ago. His hand slips lower, coming to rest below Essek’s jaw, the steady beat of his heart a flutter beneath Caleb’s palm. He can hear the intake of breath as Essek’s grip tightens on his wrist, his eyes sliding closed.

Caleb closes his own eyes, lowering his head to press their foreheads together, savouring this moment of closeness. He can feel the tickle of Essek’s breath on his skin, and when Essek speaks, Caleb can hear the way his voice wavers.

“Leave things better, you said.”

Caleb smiles. “Ourselves included.”

Letting his hand stroke down, Caleb can feel Essek's pulse speeding and murmurs, “I can feel your heartbeat.” 

Essek’s voice is low, barely a whisper, "Then surely you must feel the effect you have on me." 

Blood pounding in his ears, Caleb takes Essek's hand, placing it on his chest, directly over his own heart. "Does it feel like this?"

Essek’s trembling fingers tighten in Caleb’s shirt front, his next inhale a hiccup of breath. “Kiss me again,” he says, voice wavering with a vulnerability that Caleb never would have expected.

Still caressing Essek’s jaw, Caleb leans up once more, kissing between Essek’s eyes for the third time. He breathes deep, lips trailing downwards, a further kiss dropped on the bridge of Essek’s nose, another on the tip. Caleb keeps the brush of his lips light, moving to press gently against each fluttering eyelid, moving lower still to skirt across sharp cheekbones and then finally, a single kiss pressed to the very corner of Essek’s mouth. A question. 

Caleb pulls back, opening his eyes to find Essek doing the same, the tightness that usually lines his face gone, leaving only a soft smile.

“My turn.”

Raising his hand to stroke along the faint stubble of Caleb’s jawline, Essek leans in, bringing their lips together. It is soft, hesitant, and Caleb can feel himself pulling closer, diving headfirst into the sensation.

He didn't realise until now: how long he has been waiting for this.

His lips slide between Essek’s own as if they belong there, molding perfectly together with a sigh of warm breath. The myriad thoughts that have been plaguing Caleb's mind seem swept away, leaving only emotion. 

Caleb's heart swells as their lips move together, a gentle push and pull like the waves around them. His fears and uncertainties are gone, the warmth that fills him only growing when Essek’s fingers thread through his hair, holding Caleb as if he never wants to let go. 

He moves to pull Essek closer and hears an ugly scrape of wood as Essek's chair almost disbalances. 

They part for just a moment, enough time to catch a breath and for Essek to join Caleb on the edge of the bed. There is a hesitance to his movements, his fingers trembling as he reaches once more for Caleb's face. 

"Part of me wonders if I am dreaming," Essek says. He pushes a stray hair behind Caleb's ear, thumb running around the shell of it in fascination. "Though no dream has felt like this before."

"I will presume that is a compliment," Caleb murmurs, mirroring Essek's movement to stroke up one long ear, noting the way Essek shivers. He can feel heat simmering beneath his skin, growing with every gentle touch, and brings their lips together once more. 

This kiss is slow, the taste of Essek's lips fast becoming familiar. He wraps his arms around Caleb's neck with a contented sigh, the slight points of his canines drawing over Caleb's lower lip and making him shudder. 

Caleb parts his mouth, tongue sweeping over the seam of Essek's lips, a groan catching in his throat when Essek immediately deepens the kiss, tongue sliding against Caleb's own in a slow swirl. Heat surges inside him, his hands stroking up Essek's sides and down his back, the urge to touch as much of him as possible quickly becoming a major priority. 

Essek seems to think much the same, his hands not leaving Caleb's skin for an instant as their mouths move together, the temperature quickly rising within the small cabin. Slender fingers slide through Caleb's hair, along his jaw, down his throat—as if Essek wants to memorise Caleb through touch alone. 

Breath and heartbeat speeding, Caleb pulls Essek to him, wrapping him in his arms. He can feel the heat where their chests are pressed together and groans around Essek's tongue. It has been years since he was touched this way, since he was so intimately close to another, and Caleb feels a surge of emotion, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He hasn't felt like this in so long—he hasn't let himself—the depth of his feelings a reality more massive and terrifying than anything the Cerberus Assembly can throw at them.

"Essek," Caleb murmurs, though no other words come to him. Nothing else seems adequate enough to encompass everything he wants to say. He can feel the way Essek's lips curve against his own in a gentle smile, his voice a low purr.

"Caleb."

The room seems to sway in time with every breath shared between them, and with the next swell, Caleb lets gravity take him, falling back onto his pillow. Barely breaking away, Essek follows, hands landing either side of Caleb’s head. He raises a suggestive eyebrow, the corner of his lip twitching up before he dips down, mouth gently parting to nudge his tongue against Caleb’s own. 

For all his power, Essek is a light weight where he lies on Caleb's chest, his skin warm through the thin layers of their clothes. Caleb runs his hands down Essek's sides and around his back, still not feeling close enough, needing to feel every line of Essek's body beneath his palms. Their legs tangle together and Caleb gasps in a breath when Essek's knee slides between his thighs, heat blooming inside him and quickly heading downwards. His fingers catch in the hem of Essek's tunic, tugging it up slightly, fire racing through his veins when his wrist brushes against heated skin that is far softer than he had ever imagined. 

The world around them dims, even behind Caleb's eyelids and he breaks from Essek's lips to see his globules of light winking out, leaving them in darkness. 

Without sight, Caleb's every other sense seems heightened, the lap of the waves outside a gentle melody that ebbs and flows around them, the sound of he and Essek's breath a complementary rhythm. Caleb can feel the prickle of sweat on his steadily warming skin, the tickle of loose hair falling over his forehead. Essek's breath is warm where it mingles with his own, the weight of him atop Caleb's chest keeping him grounded—though he feels he could be flying. He can taste Essek on his tongue, dark and intoxicating, filling him with a desire he has not felt in many, many years. 

The faintest glint of reflected moonlight flutters through the porthole, enough to outline Essek's silhouette, though the details of his features remain in shadow: Caleb cannot have that. 

He raises his fingers in a spellcasting motion, squinting slightly at Essek's face, so close to his own, yet obscured in the darkness. 

"D-do you mind?" He sketches the spell with his fingers, feeling Essek turn to watch the motion of his hand—the darkness no problem to him. "I want to see you."

Caleb can feel the catch of Essek's chest when he inhales, he can hear the way he wets his lips before he answers. 

"I don't mind at all."

Amber lights bloom, flaring like fireflies to bring colour back to Caleb's vision. 

Essek's face is inches from his own, a dark purple flush highlighting his cheeks, the faintest sheen of sweat sticking the mussed waves of his hair to his forehead. Caleb raises his hand, stroking over one cheek, breath catching when pale lashes flutter closed and Essek leans into the touch. 

" _Hallo_ ," Caleb whispers, and Essek blinks his eyes open, shining golden in the magical light. 

"Hello." 

They come together in the same instant, as easy and natural as breathing, lips molding together in a single sweet sigh. Caleb holds Essek close, hands returning to the hem of his tunic, pushing it a little further up this time.

When his fingers stroke over the bare skin of Essek’s back, Caleb can feel Essek’s gasp of surprise followed by a moment of brief hesitation before Essek deepens the kiss, pressing harder, wetter, messier. His fingers tangle in the laces of Caleb’s shirt front, threading between them to press against his skin in points of fire.

Caleb groans around Essek’s tongue, rocking against him, feeling himself hardening with every new sensation of Essek’s skin against his own. His shirt feels like nothing more than a barrier now, keeping him from what he wants and he groans once more, in frustration this time. 

The sound seems to embolden Essek, however, who rocks his hips, the steadily hardening line of his cock pressing against Caleb’s thigh. He runs a hand down Caleb’s chest, thumb brushing over one peaked nipple, his teeth scraping over Caleb’s bottom lip as he pulls away to gasp in a breath. 

Sitting up, Essek glances down, a self-satisfied smile ghosting across kiss-swollen lips when he sees the rise in Caleb’s breeches. He slides both hands down Caleb’s chest once more, pushing his shirt up slightly, revealing the pale softness of his belly.

“Caleb, may I—” Essek’s eyes slide shut, the question on his lips falling away into a soft moan when Caleb props himself up, reaching out to run his fingers up the length of one ear.

“You can do whatever you like,” Caleb murmurs, “just don’t stop touching me.” He brings his lips to Essek’s throat, grazing over heated skin with teeth and tongue, the salt tang of sweat bursting on his tastebuds. It has been so long since he has tasted anything like this, since he has felt anything like this, and Caleb cannot get enough. He can feel Essek tugging his shirt up and pulls back, dutifully raising his arms and stealing a quick kiss the instant they manage to struggle it over his head.

Essek wets his lips, golden light shining in his eyes as he gazes at Caleb, an expression close to wonder on his face. He reaches out tentatively, fingers combing through the hair of Caleb’s chest with the gentlest of touches. His lips part softly, though he does not speak, the path of his hands moving steadily upwards, light circles of Caleb’s shoulders, smooth sweeps over his collarbones. He presses a hand once more to Caleb’s heart, which is pounding.

Very little in Caleb’s life has been gentle, what comforts he can remember from before drowned out by the crackle of flames. He was trained to do what it takes, to be ruthless, there was no time for softness. Beneath Essek’s careful hands, however, he feels delicate, fragile—and the thought terrifies him. This is a man who sold out his entire culture to sate his own desire for knowledge; he can’t be trusted, he _shouldn’t_ be trusted. Caleb knows how these things work, he knows the techniques, he knows there is every chance he is falling for a lie.

Looking into Essek’s eyes, though, Caleb sees only honesty. He sees desire. He sees want. He sees acceptance.

Caleb lets himself fall.

Leaning into Essek’s neck, Caleb breathes deep, losing himself in the scent of warm skin. He feels Essek’s arms wrap around him, holding him close, secure. They breathe together, pressed chest to chest, Essek pressing his lips to Caleb’s hair.

In this moment, the world seems still.

Caleb can hear the gentle sound of the ocean and lets out a sigh, relaxing into Essek’s arms. He parts his lips, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the hollow of Essek’s throat and hears him drag in a breath. Caleb moves slowly, his every kiss a caress, Essek tilting his head to allow Caleb more access to his neck. His skin is soft, heated, the faint sheen of sweat bringing a salt tang to Caleb’s tongue. He gasps when Caleb nips just below his ear, his fingers tightening on Caleb’s back, Caleb’s name a whisper on his lips.

When Caleb reaches for Essek’s tunic he finds Essek’s hands there with him, hurriedly dragging it up and off to be tossed aside. He surges forwards, mouth crashing against Caleb’s in a rush of hot breath.

The sensation of bare skin against his own has Caleb gasping against Essek’s lips. He runs his hands over Essek’s back, relishing the sensation. He wants to map out every inch with his palms, to know exactly how Essek feels against him. Slim fingers run through his hair and down his neck and Caleb feels like Essek may have the same idea. He curls his tongue around Essek’s own, pulling him closer and sliding his hands lower.

Essek groans, cupping Caleb’s face with both hands and kissing him so thoroughly that Caleb can see stars behind his eyes. He can feel the way his nose is pressed into Essek’s cheek and tilts his head, slowing things down once more. There is a roughness beneath his fingertips and Caleb pulls back a moment, peering down to see a ragged line of silvered dark skin that curves over Essek’s hip. Caleb traces it with his fingers, following it to a knot of scar tissue just above Essek’s ass. He feels Essek tense in his arms and spreads his palm over the spot, soothing over it in gentle circles.

“The floating?”

“The floating.” Essek affirms, his voice soft. “Another lie.” He presses in for a brief kiss, hand trailing down Caleb’s chest once more. “Forgive me. I have spent so long entrenched in lies that now the truth is much harder to admit. Especially the truth of my own weakness.”

Caleb nods in understanding; he spent so long hiding his own past, his own weaknesses. He kisses Essek’s forehead, right between his eyes, and feels a flutter of joy when Essek smiles at the action. He nudges against Essek’s nose with his own, trying to keep his tone light.

“Thank you for telling me." He squeezes at Essek's hip, hoping the gesture is as reassuring as he wants it to be. "Though I would not call it a weakness. Do you have any other truths to share, while we’re here?”

Essek brushes his fingers over Caleb’s chest, circling one nipple, a gentle smile on his lips. “Well, I’m very attracted to you,” he says, “you might have noticed." He pauses, smile faltering, the teasing tone becoming a little more serious. He reaches for Caleb's hand, threading their fingers together. "I care for you. I want to be with you.” Essek meets Caleb’s gaze, the question unasked:

_Do you feel the same?_

Caleb closes his eyes, breathing deep. He feels the same, of course he does; but there is so much still to do, so many complications. They have so many responsibilities, so many enemies, so many things that could get in the way. Getting involved with Essek would be wonderful, challenging, and so very messy. Caleb knows he should put his responsibilities first, delay anything more until the conflict is truly over and his own home is free from corruption; to do anything else would be selfish.

_Let yourself have a little happiness._

Caleb has always been a selfish man.

“Essek,” he murmurs, lips inches from Essek’s own, “you are brilliant, wonderful, one of the smartest people I know. Outside of the Nein you are the only person I feel a connection to. I care for you, even despite the lies.” He squeezes at Essek’s fingers. “I think even if I tried I could not stay away from you.” 

Essek smiles even as he kisses Caleb, letting go of his hand to gently push at his chest, urging him back onto the pillows. He squirms a little when Caleb’s hands ghost down his sides, landing in the small of his back to circle over that knot of scar tissue once more. Caleb spreads his knees, letting Essek settle between them and hisses in a gasp when he feels Essek’s cock half-hard against his own. He rocks his hips, moaning into Essek’s mouth when Essek’s fingers return to circle his nipples, teasing at them with too-light touches.

Sliding both hands down, Caleb squeezes at Essek's ass, pulling him close. He can feel his breath speeding, the simmering heat in his belly spiking with every inch of Essek he can feel pressed against him. He wants more, he needs more. 

Essek pulls away and Caleb lets out an unintentional whine of disappointment. It quickly morphs into a groan when Essek kisses down his neck and over his chest, tongue flicking over one nipple before Essek draws it into his mouth, gently sucking. 

Arching up, Caleb grabs for Essek's shoulders, blunt nails scraping over sweat-damp skin. He can feel the muscles of Essek's back tense at the sensation, a huff of hot breath washing over him. Sliding one hand up, Caleb lightly traces his fingers over the point of Essek's ear and feels another gasp against his chest. He smiles to himself, toying down the length to stroke over the velvety lobe, the pad of his thumb rubbing over every little dip where Essek's many earrings usually hang. 

Essek groans, fully hard now when he grinds against Caleb. His mouth is still fixed on one nipple, every sweep of his tongue making Caleb's toes curl. He rubs circles on Caleb's stomach, trailing through the hair around his navel and Caleb gets the impression that Essek might have a thing for his body hair. He strokes up Essek's ear once more, sliding his fingers into Essek's hair and urging him up, needing to kiss him again. 

Essek moves slowly, kissing over Caleb's chest, pausing a moment to nuzzle his nose into the hair there, breathing deeply, confirming Caleb's suspicions. He smiles, noting that Essek's own body hair is sparse, a few wispy patches beneath his arms and a faint white trail that leads down to tented leggings. Caleb feels his cock twitch, his breath catching at the thought of running his tongue over that spot. He wants to feel Essek's fingers clenched in his hair, he wants to know the sound of his voice when he cries out in pleasure. He wants to see Essek fall apart. 

Essek catches Caleb’s lips in a messy kiss, wrapping his arms around Caleb’s neck and rolling his hips in a motion that makes them both gasp. 

Caleb slides his hands down, taking hold of Essek's hips to keep him in place. He rocks up, slow and deliberate, the taste of Essek's speeding breath on his tongue. There is a heat inside Caleb, spreading through his veins with a fire far hotter than any spell he knows. His stomach feels heavy with desire, his heart a light flutter, his mind silenced of any thought that isn't Essek. He feels Essek's fingers comb through his hair and tilts his head, shivering when Essek's teeth scrape over his pulse. 

There will be marks on his throat in the morning, Caleb thinks, a moan falling from his lips when Essek reaches down, fingers stroking the line of his cock. He only holds tighter, needing more, wanting everything. 

He is disarmed by the intensity of his own reactions—the heat of something he'd thought long forgotten—and clings to Essek, holding him close. He is wrapped in warmth, inside and out, heart swelling with an emotion Caleb does not yet want to put a name to. Essek's lips find his own once more, kissing softly, slowly, a gentle exploration of Caleb's mouth. He cups Caleb's face, and when they pull apart, Caleb can see a similar emotion in the pale glow of Essek's eyes. 

They move together, finding a rhythm that has them both gasping, and despite the pleasure spiking through him, Caleb can feel a rising prickle of annoyance every time Essek's leggings catch on the buttons of his breeches. 

It's still not enough. 

Propping himself up on his elbows, Caleb sweeps his hand downwards, gesturing. When he speaks his voice is rough. 

"You know, I feel we may still be wearing too many clothes."

His lip twitches up in a smile as Essek's gaze follows the motion of his hand, a small groan rising in his throat when he sits back on his knees between Caleb's spread legs, watching his every movement. Caleb reaches down, palming at the hard line of his cock, feeling it twitch when Essek mirrors him, going a step further by sliding his hand into his own leggings, unsubtly adjusting himself. 

Brushing the sweaty waves of his hair back, Essek swallows, his expression shifting from obvious arousal to something deliberately nonchalant—though the twitch at the corners of his lips make it obvious he is trying not to smile. He nods to Caleb before clearing his throat with a light cough. 

"That seems to be an astute observation, Mr Widogast. What do you suggest?" 

His voice is low, serious, but his eyes glimmer with amusement and Caleb meets his gaze, eyebrows raised.

Schooling his face into impassiveness, Caleb matches Essek's businesslike tone. "Well," he says, flicking the first button of his breeches open, trying hard not to laugh at the absurdity of the conversation, "if it is a subject you want to research, then I would suggest—” 

Essek snorts, a smile lighting his face like moonlight on water and Caleb feels himself break. Laughter bubbles up inside him and he meets Essek's eyes, stomach jolting at the affection he sees within them. 

Essek's laughter is a beautiful sound, one that Caleb instantly knows he wants to hear more of. His smile is open, genuine—and a little crooked—the gleaming point of one tooth just visible. He looks at Caleb as if he is the answer to some great mystery, his eyes sparkling like starlight. 

Caleb feels his heart clench tight, a surge of unexpected emotion welling up inside him. He sits up taking Essek's face in his hands, thumbs running over sharp cheekbones. 

"I like hearing you laugh," Caleb says, palms sliding lower, gently caressing at the sides of Essek's throat, "and I like hearing you talk." He spreads his hands, smoothing over Essek's chest to lightly thumb over peaked nipples. "I like hearing your spells."

Essek exhales shakily, taking hold of Caleb's wrists to guide his hands lower, brushing over the slightly softer lines of his stomach. He shivers under Caleb’s touch, voice leaving his throat in a low groan.

"I like hearing you let go," Caleb continues, sliding his hand into Essek's leggings to take hold of his cock, squeezing at the hard length. "I like hearing you moan." He feels Essek’s fingers tighten on his shoulders, breath hitching when Caleb slowly strokes up his cock, his own arousal cresting with every sound that falls from Essek’s lips.

“Caleb—”

Essek’s words are cut off, broken by a sharp inhale when Caleb circles the head of his cock, velvety foreskin sliding beneath his thumb. He groans, holding tighter to Caleb’s shoulders, hips moving in shallow thrusts into the circle of Caleb’s fist. Every line of his body is taut, his breath spilling in heated waves over Caleb’s bare skin.

Leaning into Essek, Caleb presses his face to the crook of his neck, breathing deep the scent of sweat and sex. He is achingly hard, the line of his cock uncomfortably tight in his breeches now. He gives Essek another firm stroke, mouthing against his throat, voice roughened with want, "I want to see all of you." 

Caleb slides his free hand into the back of Essek’s leggings, slowly starting to tug them down. “Is this okay?”

“Y-yes, definitely.” Essek swallows. “I want to see you, too.” His hands brush against Caleb’s own as he scrambles out of his remaining clothes, hissing in a breath between his teeth as his cock springs free only for Caleb to take him in hand once more.

Caleb can’t help but swallow the moan that leaves him at the sight of Essek completely bare before him. His body is slim and lithe, his cock curving elegantly upwards, flushed near purple, the head glistening slightly. Caleb can see the faint line of his ribs, the sweeping arch of his collarbones; it isn’t unhealthy, but Caleb gets the distinct impression that Essek does not entirely take care of himself. Something curls in Caleb’s chest, the instinct to protect Essek settling firmly in his chest. He doubts there are many who have seen this side to Essek, open and vulnerable. Here, devoid of all masks and mantles, he realises how delicate Essek truly is. 

“You, too,” Essek says, fumbling at Caleb’s buttons and jolting him from his musings. There is a tinge of impatience to his voice, a desperate want that makes Caleb’s blood race. “Take your clothes off.”

It has been a long time since Caleb has felt desirable, a long time since he has wanted to _be_ desired. Here in Essek’s arms, however, there is a burning in his veins, a fire of want inside him that only burns brighter with every touch, every caress, every kiss.

When Caleb finally gets free of his clothes, everything seems to pause. His Dancing Lights are dimming, the colour draining around them. Both Caleb and Essek move in the same instant, magic flaring around them, globules of amber and amethyst lighting the small room.

Essek’s gaze rakes over Caleb’s body in open appreciation, his lips softly parted, though he does not speak. Caleb can see the rise and fall of his chest, and his fingers itch with the need to touch, to feel the entirety of Essek’s body against his. 

They reach for each other at the same time, Essek’s hand pressing to Caleb’s chest, covering his pounding heart. His other hand tangles in Caleb’s hair, tugging in a way that skirts the thin line between pain and pleasure.

Groaning, Caleb brings one hand to Essek’s chin, urging it up to bring their lips softly together. Every ounce of want that has been building inside him seems to be surging forth at once, threatening to overwhelm him when their bare cocks touch, the lengths sliding together. 

Caleb reaches down, taking both his and Essek’s cocks in hand, squeezing slightly. He can feel his arousal rising with every touch and breathes in a gasp when Essek’s hand covers his own, guiding his movements in slow, confident strokes. He meets Caleb’s gaze, breath catching slightly when Caleb runs a thumb over the steadily weeping head of his cock. 

Brows sliding together, Essek slows the movement of his hand. “Wait,” he says and Caleb lets go, a flutter of concern rising in his chest. 

“Is everything okay, _Liebling_?” he asks, the endearment slipping unbidden from his lips and making his cheeks burn.

“More than okay,” Essek says, breathless. “It’s just...one more thing, before this goes any further.” He sweeps his sweaty hair from his face, looking chagrined. “I’m not consecuted either.”

“Oh,” Caleb says.

It takes a moment to process, and Caleb finds himself wondering if it was Essek’s desire to research rather than venerate the beacons that prevented him from being bestowed with what is essentially, immortality. He doesn’t quite understand why Essek would lie about that, though; when they met he was already intimidating, already impressive, already—though Caleb didn’t realise it at the time—an integral part of the Mighty Nein’s journey. 

In his peripheral vision, Caleb can see the slight droop of Essek’s ears and reaches for him. Instead of disappointment at yet another lie, he feels only pity; that Essek felt the need to make himself seem more important to complete strangers. He remembers Essek's words, on the ship in Nicodranus, and he realises just how long Essek has probably been waiting to know true friendship. 

Caleb remembers loneliness, it still creeps upon him sometimes in his darker hours, but he has his friends, and if he has his way, he is going to make sure that Essek never has to fear being lonely again.

That same protective instinct rises in Caleb’s gut and he raises an eyebrow. “It is a good thing that you told me. Though, you know now I will worry, knowing you won't come back if the worst should happen.” He slides a hand up Essek’s thigh, smiling when Essek leans in to settle against his chest. “I know that we arcanists are not the strongest of fellows, but I can help protect you.”

Essek shakes his head, the waves of his hair tickling at Caleb’s bare chest, He runs a hand down Caleb’s side, making him squirm. “I think you’ll find that _I_ will be the one protecting _you_.”

Caleb raises his eyebrows, a sly smile playing about his lips. “Why not both?” he says. “I think you’ll find I’m quite flexible.”

Essek sits up again, a knowing smile on his face, eyes darkening. “Is that so?” he says, voice low. “I look forward to seeing that flexibility some time.”

“Does right now work for you?”

They move in the same moment, falling to the sheets tangled together in a deep kiss that has none of the finesse of the others they have shared. This is a tangle of teeth and tongues and heated breath, and Caleb groans when Essek’s hand brushes his cock, his fingers combing through the tangle of Caleb’s pubic hair.

Fingers anchored in Essek's hair, Caleb arches into his touch. His hand slides over Caleb's cock in smooth, practised motions and Caleb can feel his arousal cresting, though not close enough to breaking point; the friction between he and Essek's sweaty bodies not quite enough. 

Despite everything, Caleb still wants more. 

Kissing up the length of Essek's ear, Caleb feels him squirm, letting go of Caleb's cock to cling to his shoulders. Essek moans in Caleb's arms, cock twitching against his stomach when Caleb tongues at his earlobe—clearly a sensitive spot. 

Essek's breath is hot on Caleb's skin when he groans, "C-Caleb, ah!” 

Nuzzling into Essek's neck, Caleb murmurs, "I have oil in my satchel, if you wanted to—" 

"Yes." Essek gasps. "Yes, I definitely want to." He lets Caleb shuffle down the bed to fish the little bottle of oil from his bag, fingers trailing down his side as he passes. 

Essek rolls onto his side, a look of uncertainty on his face when Caleb quickly returns to lie beside him. His fingers are moving, fiddling with the faintly frayed edge of the bedsheet. 

"So, how do you like to— I mean, how do you want to—" Essek bites at his lip, unrepentant want shining in his eyes when he looks Caleb over, his cock visibly twitching as his gaze falls on Caleb's own erection. 

Caleb swallows, unused to putting a voice to his own desires. He feels as if he is burning from the inside out and only Essek can quench that fire. 

"I, ah— I like it all ways," Caleb says, seeing Essek's lip twitch in a smile. "But," he takes Essek's hand, guiding it between his legs, shivering when slim fingers slide over his balls and between his cheeks, stroking gently, "I was hoping that tonight, you would have me."

Essek blinks, his ears twitching, visibly flustered, though his fingers still move in confident strokes, brushing over Caleb's entrance in slow sweeps. "I— I can certainly do that." 

Caleb raises an eyebrow. "Did you want something else? Like I say, I have no real preference," he catches Essek's eye, reaching out to stroke a stray wave of his hair, "I just want to feel you." 

Essek huffs out a breathy laugh, stroking between Caleb's legs once more, sliding his hand forward to gently fondle at his balls, rolling them in his hand. "Caleb, I want you in every possible way. I was just surprised," his ears droop, "I think there is a part of me that still does not believe someone like you would want to be with someone like me."

Shaking his head, Caleb cups Essek's cheek. "I want to be with you.” He meets Essek’s gaze, smiling softly. “We are not so dissimilar, you and I. I see a lot of myself in you." 

Essek smirks, stroking the length of Caleb's cock and pulling closer for a soft kiss. "I believe we said we'd save that for next time," he says, leaning into Caleb’s touch, expression softening. "But really, thank you. I know I have changed— am changing, thanks to you and your friends." He meets Caleb's gaze, a shine in his eyes that has nothing to do with the reflections of their Dancing Lights. "You make me want to be a better man." 

Caleb smiles, the knot that seems to be twisted around his heart growing ever tighter. "We can do that together," he says, dipping down to kiss Essek thoroughly, until they are both gasping for breath. 

Urging Essek onto his back, Caleb swings a leg over to straddle his hips, gasping in a breath when the line of Essek's erection presses against him. He fishes through the tangle of the bedsheets, searching for the little bottle of oil, desire rising in a flood through his senses. He circles his hips, grinding down, groaning at the feeling of Essek hard beneath him. 

Essek’s hands land on Caleb’s thighs, slowly circling, his fingertips trailing heat over every inch of Caleb’s skin. He gazes up in awe, biting at his lip when Caleb tosses his hair over one shoulder, the tie that held it back long since brushed away by Essek’s errant fingers. 

A bloom of triumph bursts inside Caleb when he finally finds the oil and he eagerly presses it into Essek’s hand, wetting his lips in anticipation of his touch. He spreads his legs a little wider, his cock dragging across the planes of Essek’s stomach.

Essek peers at the bottle, a line appearing between his brows.

"What _is_ this?"

Caleb presses his lips together, a prickle of impatience rippling up the back of his neck. "It is, um, for polishing wands."

Essek’s lip twitches up, amusement clear in his voice, "I wasn't aware you used a wand."

Running his hands through his hair, Caleb sits a little straighter, gesturing towards his component bag as he explains. "I don't, I mean, I have one, but it is not used for spellcasting, more of a component...or...a focus, really. I'm working on something with it. Something new."

Squeezing at Caleb’s hips, Essek sits up a little, propping himself up on his elbows. "Really? A new spell? Entirely your own creation?" 

Caleb nods and Essek's eyes gleam with a mixture of awe and affection. He reaches up, caressing Caleb's cheek. "You are brilliant. Your mind is amazing. I have known this for a long while." He smiles. "I very much want to hear about this new spell."

Leaning down, Caleb presses his palms to Essek’s chest, brushing a thumb over one nipple and feeling Essek’s cock throb beneath him. He kisses Essek slowly, murmuring against his lips.

"Maybe another time? I feel we have slightly more pressing matters to attend to."

Arching up, Essek tightens his grip on Caleb’s thigh with a groan. "Of course, of course." He uncorks the bottle with his teeth, spreading a puddle of oil in his hand and stroking down the length of Caleb's cock, desire gleaming in his eyes. 

The slick liquid is cool on Caleb's skin but quickly warms under Essek's careful touch. He gives Caleb's cock a few more slow strokes, gaze never leaving his face, watching Caleb's every reaction. 

It is hard not to squirm under Essek's heated gaze, and Caleb gasps out his name when he reaches lower, briefly cupping at Caleb's balls before sliding two fingers between his cheeks. 

The pads of Essek's fingers gently circle Caleb's entrance, slowly and carefully, sweeping and spreading the oil and making Caleb shiver. It is hard to remember the last time anyone touched him like this; everything with Astrid and Eodwulf seemed hurried, rushed, an escape rather than a celebration. Essek touches him like he wants to savour every moment. 

A shiver works its way down Caleb's spine and he swallows against the sudden lump in his throat. There is a prickle in the corners of his eyes that he blinks away, letting the slow press of Essek's fingers bring him back to the present. 

Reaching out, he takes Essek's free hand, threading their fingers together and squeezing tight, anchoring himself in the moment. 

"Is everything all right, _ussta chath_?" Essek murmurs, the gentle roll of Undercommon over his tongue making Caleb's cock twitch. 

"Fine, I'm fine," Caleb says, sniffing, "I'm afraid that it, ah, it has been a while for me."

Essek smiles sardonically, though his eyes are still gentle. "Oh? I am pretty sure I have you beaten on that."

"Sixteen years."

"Seventy."

"Oh. _Ja_ , well. I guess I should try to make this good, then." Caleb bites at his lip, feeling a sudden weight of expectation. 

Essek chuckles, softness in his eyes. "It's you, Caleb." He brings their joined hands to his mouth to press a kiss to Caleb's knuckles. "I could not ask for anything more. We could stop right now and I would be satisfied."

Warmth floods Caleb's chest and he smiles, shaking his hair back. "Thank you." He feels Essek's fingers circling the rim of his hole once more and drags in a breath, anticipation sending a shiver through him. "Though I think you will be pleased to know that I have no intention of stopping any time soon." 

Essek's only reply is to chuckle, the slick pads of his fingers massaging around Caleb’s hole, pressing gently inwards. 

Caleb has long admired Essek's fingers, they are long and elegant and beautiful, and as the first knuckle slips past his rim, Caleb groans. 

"More." 

Essek visibly swallows, his throat bobbing. “Are you sure? You said it has been a while. I don’t want to go too fast.”

“I have touched myself since then, you know,” Caleb says, rocking back, trying to urge Essek’s fingers further inside him. “Please, more.”

Nodding silently, Essek pushes a little further, slipping two fingers inside him, and Caleb can feel the stretch this time. He sighs in pleasure, circling his hips, the head of his cock tracing a damp trail on Essek’s stomach. He is achingly hard, but he dares not touch himself for fear of coming too soon, he needs more, he _needs_ to feel Essek inside him. 

Caleb whines when Essek pulls away, only to groan a moment later when his fingers return, dripping in oil to slide effortlessly inside him.

The tip of Essek's tongue pokes out between his teeth as he curls his fingers, stroking at Caleb's inner walls, following his gasped instructions. 

"Up a little…and forward. Almost—ah! Yes! There." 

Closing his eyes, Caleb leans into the sensation, bracing his hands on Essek’s chest. He can feel a prickling at the base of his spine, building with every sweep of Essek’s fingers over his prostate. 

The world is starting to blur at the edges, Caleb’s focus narrowing to himself and Essek alone. He can feel every place their bodies touch, his nerves alight with every movement. His thighs are damp with slick, puddling over Essek’s cock, which is flushed a deep purple and already wet at the tip.

Caleb swipes his hand down, trailing over his own nipples, goosebumps rising in the wake of his touch. He bypasses his own aching cock to take hold of Essek’s, smearing it with oil, heat burning through him when he feels it throb in his hand.

“I’m ready when you are,” he gasps.

Essek groans, sliding his fingers from Caleb’s ass and trailing up over his balls to take his cock in a loose grasp, stroking slowly up the length before he lets go and his hands find Caleb’s hips. He sits up from the mattress, pulling Caleb onto his lap, cock sliding between his cheeks in a smooth glide.

“Is this okay?” Essek asks. “I want to be able to kiss you.”

Caleb smiles and—in lieu of a reply—kisses him.

Essek's arms wrap around Caleb's chest, holding him tight and making his heart pound. There is an aching need inside him, a restless want, a dilemma for which Essek is the only solution. His throbbing cock is pressed against Essek’s stomach, trapped between them, dragging across sweat slick skin as Caleb settles himself down.

It takes a moment for Caleb to arrange himself comfortably, feeling slightly awkward and gangly. The height difference between himself and Essek is far more noticeable when they are not lying down. He sits on his knees, straddling Essek's lap, arms around his neck, dipping down every so often to press kisses to his temple. 

Essek nuzzles against Caleb's chest, hands sliding down his back to squeeze at his ass, spreading his cheeks apart. He kisses over Caleb's collarbones, teeth scraping over his pulse and making him shiver. 

Lowering himself, Caleb can feel Essek reaching between them, guiding his cock to nudge against Caleb's entrance. 

"Can I?" Essek murmurs, his voice as soft as the breath that ghosts across Caleb's skin. 

Caleb nods, leaning down to press his forehead to Essek's. "Yes. Essek…"

"Caleb…"

The first stretch of Essek's cock is far better than Caleb's fingers or fantasies have ever been. He sighs out, slowly lowering himself, relishing every inch, feeling the way Essek's fingertips tighten on his thighs. 

Caleb's senses are set ablaze with the slow drag of Essek's cock over his prostate and it takes all his self control not to slam down and impale himself on the hard length. He wants to take his time, though, he wants to savour this. 

Essek's breath is ragged, his hips twitching up, though it seems he too is holding himself in check, letting Caleb set the pace. His hands rub circles on Caleb's thighs, gently squeezing when Caleb seats himself fully. 

Hair swinging down like a curtain between them, Caleb lowers his head just as Essek tilts his lips up for a lingering kiss. He breathes out in a long sigh, relaxing into the heady sensation of Essek filling him. 

Essek reaches up, stroking Caleb's hair from his face. His long fingers trace along Caleb's brow, across his eyelids and down the length of his nose, adoration written in every touch. 

"Beautiful," Essek breathes. 

His fingers continue their journey, tracing Caleb's lips, sliding over the faint stubble of his jaw and downwards, softly caressing at his throat. Caleb can feels his pulse speeding, a tremor running through Essek's body when he whispers:

"Caleb, I—" 

The words fall away as Essek throws his arms around Caleb, burying his face in his chest, shaking breath hot on his skin. He holds Caleb like a lifeline, squeezing tight, and Caleb swears he can feel wetness on his chest. 

Combing his fingers through the waves of Essek's hair, Caleb urges him up, heart clenching at the glimmer of tears in his eyes. He kisses Essek, slowly and thoroughly, trying to pour out every emotion he doesn't yet have the words for. It is too much, too massive, and Caleb wonders just how long it has been since Essek truly felt cared for. He can feel the speeding beat of Essek's heart and slowly rocks his hips, hoping it conveys what he feels.

_I am here. I have you._

Still caressing his jaw, Caleb murmurs Essek’s name against his lips: the only word he seems capable of saying right now.

It is both familiar and entirely new; the sensation of another person so intimately close, and Caleb breathes deep, his desire a simmering pool inside him. He strokes down Essek’s ear to feel him shiver, a smile spreading over his lips when Essek squeezes his ass in response.

“If you want this to last, you’ll need to stop doing that.” Essek rubs his nose through Caleb’s chest hair. “My ears are _very_ sensitive.”

“Noted,” Caleb says. “Maybe some other time we can explore just how sensitive they are?”

Essek’s cock twitches at the suggestion and Caleb gasps, feeling the movement deep inside him. He clenches down, rocking his hips, wanting to feel more, wanting to feel everything. A shiver of sensation works up Caleb’s spine, his desire only growing when Essek’s fingers tighten once more on his hips.

Essek’s voice his ragged, his chest heaving when he groans, “Do that again.”

Essek's eyes slip shut and a soft moan falls from his lips when Caleb repeats the motion, rising up on his knees and slowly dropping back down. He guides Caleb’s movements, encouraging him with moans that only grow louder when Caleb clenches around him.

Caleb can feel a coiling in his belly, heat pooling within him with every circle of his hips, with every twitch of Essek’s cock inside him. He can feel the magic that is woven into Essek's very veins, surrounding him, within him, electric sensation washing every inch of his skin. Speeding his movements, Caleb tosses his sweaty hair from his face, hearing the slap of skin on skin with every bounce and feel a surge of pride when Essek groans out his name.

“Gods, Caleb, yes, I…”

Caleb, holds tight to Essek’s shoulders, his cock bobbing between them, precome pearling at the tip. He grinds down moaning out when Essek thrusts up to meet him, hitting deeper than before and sending a starburst of sensation straight to Caleb’s cock.

They move together, the air around them heated and sweaty, the combined sound of their moans only growing louder in the small space. Caleb is dimly aware that his friends might hear them but he cannot bring himself to care. Everything he wants is right here beneath his fingertips, every possibility that he hasn’t yet dared to let himself dream. He can taste the scent of sex in the air and it only makes him harder, needing to feel Essek let go.

Fire races through Caleb’s veins when Essek’s teeth find his neck, scraping across his pulse, the deep moan that Essek lets out vibrating through the length of Caleb’s body. He can feel the burn in his thighs, his muscles protesting every time he bounces down to take Essek entirely. Caleb knows he will feel the exertion the next day, but he doubts there is a force that could possibly stop him right now—not when Essek moans so beautifully beneath him, not when he can feel his peak edging closer with every thrust.

Essek’s skin is shining, glimmering with sweat in the twin lights of their magic, his hair coiling over his forehead in sweat-damp waves. His brows are knit tight in concentration as he rocks into Caleb, still matching his rhythm, and Caleb can see the way his breath catches with every moan.

Essek’s grip loosens, his movements faltering for a moment as he reaches between them to take hold of Caleb’s aching cock. He strokes in time with his thrusts and Caleb swears, clenching down, feeling Essek’s cock throb as he does. Heat rushes through him, every slick stroke of Essek’s hand bringing him closer and closer to the edge. Caleb tightens his fingers on Essek’s shoulders, crying out, his spine arching as Essek works his cock.

Blood rushes to Caleb’s ears, his heart pounding as he feels the muscles of his stomach tighten. He fucks into Essek’s hand, moaning his name as every thrust seems to reach deeper and deeper, into the core of Caleb’s very being. Caleb feels weightless, breathless, both in control and utterly helpless. He feels like he is rising and falling with the waves beneath the ship and drags in a breath, letting go completely. 

There is a rush of sensation, of light and heat, and Caleb shudders, body going taut in Essek’s arms. He is so close to the edge that he can no longer see, no longer feel, his entire universe is centred on Essek, his touch, his taste, his smell.

Caleb clenches down once more, groaning as the taut thread of his desire snaps and his cock jerks, spilling over Essek’s hand and stomach in thick pulses. A shudder runs through him as Essek continues to stroke him through the aftershocks, goosebumps rising on his sweaty skin. Caleb slumps forward, arms wrapping around Essek’s shoulders to hold him close. He can feel Essek, still hard and hot inside him and whines, rocking his hips once more, encouraging Essek to keep moving.

Essek’s thrusts pick up pace once more, pounding into Caleb in short, sharp thrusts that knock his ragged breath from him. Caleb squirms, shivers running through him, jolts of sensation running through his already frayed and oversensitive nerves. He strokes his hands down Essek’s back, pressing kisses to his hair.

Rhythm faltering, Essek groans, his fingers tightening on Caleb’s hips as he thrusts up into him. The muscles of his shoulders are taut beneath Caleb’s palms, his voice raw.

“Caleb, I’m— Can I?” Essek’s cock thickens, impossibly hard and Caleb feels a thrill of excitement rush through him, his spent cock stirring at the knowledge that Essek is about to come.

Bringing his lips to Essek’s ear, Caleb pants, “Yes, please. Inside. Let me feel you.”

Essek shudders, driving up into Caleb, fingertips pressed bruisingly tight into his hips. He moans Caleb’s name, back arching and Caleb can feel the pulse, the rush of warmth as Essek comes inside him, filling him completely. He bites his lip, moaning at the sensation, clenching down as Essek rides out his orgasm with a few more erratic thrusts, his face pressed to Caleb’s chest.

The Dancing Lights start to dim again as Caleb and Essek lean into each other, slowly catching their breaths. Neither moves to recast the spell, too busy wrapped in each other’s arms. 

Caleb can feel his thighs trembling and groans, grateful when Essek takes him in his arms and pulls him to the mattress. He rolls to one side, wincing when Essek’s softening cock slips free, leaving him feeling oddly empty. 

The empty feeling does not last for long, though, not when Essek wraps his arms around Caleb, holding him tight and pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, right between his eyes. He waves a hand, pale lights rising once more around them, bobbling and circling like starlit fireflies, letting Caleb see the expression of wonder on Essek’s face.

“You are amazing,” Essek says, running a hand down Caleb’s back, gently rubbing at the base of his spine. “That was…” He smiles, a softness in his eyes that fills Caleb’s heart with warmth.

Smiling back, Caleb nods in agreement, a bone-deep weariness settling in his limbs. He leans in, kissing Essek, a gentle caress of lips on lips.

“Will you sleep here?” Caleb asks when they part. 

“If you want me to.” Essek curls up against Caleb’s side, head nestling in the crook of his arm, fingers tracing circles on his chest as their breathing begins to slow. He is loose, relaxed in Caleb’s arms, sighing contentedly when Caleb pulls him in, hugging him close.

“Of course I want you to.”

Stretching out, Caleb pulls up the sheets to wipe the stripes of his come from Essek’s belly, a bubble of warmth rising inside him when Essek raises a hand to stroke through his hair.

“I’m glad I came here tonight,” Essek says. “I hope you don’t mind if I check in a little more often from now on.”

“Not at all,” Caleb says, “I like that I will be able to look out for you.”

Essek raises an eyebrow, propping himself up on one elbow and fixing Caleb with an appraising look. “I thought we settled this, _I_ am looking out for _you_.”

Wrapping Essek in his arms, Caleb rolls them both to settle atop Essek, pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose. “Essek, I thought we had established how much I care about you. Just try to stop me.”

Essek grins, brushing a thumb over Caleb’s cheek and cupping his jaw. “Do you know, I would,” he slides his other hand down, pushing the tangled sheets aside to squeeze at Caleb’s ass, “but you seem to have worn me out for the night, so I think I’ll pass.”

Caleb lets out a soft laugh, dipping down to kiss Essek, slow and deep. There is a peace inside him that he has not felt for a long time, a warmth deep within the centre of his being that only promises to grow. He sighs into Essek’s mouth, relaxing into his arms.

The timbers of the ship creak around them, the soft sound of the ocean broken by a sudden click.

There is no time to react as Beau steps into the room, Frumpkin held under one arm, a frown on her face. 

“Hey, Caleb, I dunno why you left your cat in the hall but— oh fuck, you’re naked!”

Caleb feels Essek tense beneath him and scrambles to pull up the sheets as Beau turns on her heel, one hand covering Frumpkin’s eyes. She marches for the door, kicking it open, muttering something under her breath that Caleb cannot hear.

There is a millisecond of silence where Caleb and Essek glance at each other before Beau’s head reappears around the door, her eyes squeezed shut.

“Welcome aboard, Essek.”

The door slams shut and Caleb groans, burying his face in Essek’s shoulder.

“ _Scheiße_ ,” he mutters, “she is going to be insufferable in the morning.”

“Well,” Essek says, brushing Caleb’s hair from his face, his voice as dry as parchment “if nothing else, it should make for an interesting breakfast.”

**Author's Note:**

> All comments, kudos and keysmashes are very much appreciated 💖. You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/MoonwalkingCrab) and [tumblr](https://moonwalkingcrab.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I also doodled some smutty art for this fic, you can find it [over here](https://twitter.com/MoonwalkingCrab/status/1322983519052771328).


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